waiting · for · the · moon · to · rise

just within the last couple of days I can really see my stomach start to pop! usually, when I laid down my stomach would be completely flat, now there's this little bump that wont go down, it feels like a little water balloon. I'm starting to get really excited, for the first time in months. The first couple of months, to be totally honest, were really hard for me. I felt like I had no control, and my fate was definitely out of my hands. I didn't know if I wanted kids at all, and if I did, I wanted to wait till I was 30, or older. ha. thats when life kicks you in the face and lets you know you can't always control everything. no matter how hard you try. I'm starting to feel better too, I was feeling pretty bad for the first three and a half months but now that i've entered into my fourth month I think thats about to change. I can actually eat before 4 or 5 in the evening without feeling like it might come back out. I'm learning as much as I can from dani and her motherly ways because its a horrible feeling for me, not being prepared. jude is beautiful and I am so excited to watch him grow! On, a much sadder note my boyfriend and I might have to move to asheville NC after the baby is born so he can actually get a job! he interned at moog music and has a job just waiting for him (with benefits) so its really a good move for us. It would be really hard to move away from my family right after having our baby but you have to do what's best for your own growing family. asheville seems really nice and I've checked out some of the colleges around where we would be living and it doesn't seem that bad. muskegon is just a really bad place for us right now, for many reasons. its the worst place in the country to find a job and its just depressing. I want our baby to grow up in a better, beautiful, and more cultured place then we are right now, so maybe moving will really be best. I am just really happy right now, and I know everything will work out fine, it just feels good to know that we do have somewhere to go and have a legitimate source of income if nothing can be found in poopy little muskegon.

still I swim in a sea of thoughts
drowning in the loneliness of the dark
my mind cant take this time apart
my body can't function with an empty heart

the eyes I yearn for can't be found
to see the smile that can bring me down
how I wish I could be with you
to touch your skin again that's so smooth

-from a letter, in a box I very seldom open

why do I try and try to make things work when its not worth it? I feel like you should try to make every relationship work, just because it did work at some point, but you don't have to pick up the pieces of every broken relationship. just let it die. when you are faced with someone elses personality flaws day in and day out, its easy to see why you shouldn't be together. Then when you have your space, your head gets a little foggy, and you start to wonder maybe if we did this or that or tried again. nope. just let it die.

so I woke up waaay to early this morning. it turns out my meeting was at 8 pm not 8 am......

so I turned something bad into something good and got breakfast and watched the sunrise from the comfort of my warm car, too bad the mall was also in view

I'm pretty sure I saw some geese fucking and flying at the same time over the sunrise....is that possible?
lucky ducks.

I think I might orgasm when I get paid for the first time. they owe me. I don't think I can stand the hostile environment I'm forced to work in much longer.

its like looking into murky water, realizing it's full of eels and leeches, and jumping in head first anyway.

the beautiful massaging hands of my chemical friends have removed their loving grip on my brain and I fear I might loose it.

well I take that back, one of them has stayed, but only as a last resort, he's not on call 24-7.

its this, and i've opened my heart to a situation that I'm really hoping will play out well.

I decided to take a mental health day. I didn't go to school. I skipped out on lab which i'm sure will turn around and bite me in the ass later. The poor crusty little pig that I'm sure I should have been dissecting today will haunt me forever. telling me tales of what his life would have been had he not been subjected to being dissected over and over again by marginally interested college students.

my parents lectured me till I wanted to pull every single hair out of my head last night. I'm a horrible daughter. to them i'm a crack whore with 5 kids living out of a cardboard box. or thats how they make me feel. in all actuality they treat me like this because I should be done with school in four years, which isn't going to happen. I should have 5 jobs, no debt and get all A's. I'm working on it mom and dad, believe me.

I'm watching anthony bourdain eat a maple glazed donut sprinkled with bacon and I am seriously jealous.

I kept him high up on a pedestal and when it crumbled beneath him the disappointment was overwhelming. His words floated to my heart, bubbles. Empty and appealing at the same time. Shiny and amusing. He read my mind and very intricately put the pieces together. Perfectly creating what I wanted in a man. an exterior of greatness with a hollow and sour interior. he needed me. he needed a warm female body next to him. I filled a void. I was a presence and only a presence. for years I looked on him. he was a figment of my imagination. someone I had built up in my mind and he crumbled, so fast. his blue eyes robbed of all their light and appeal and what was left was lies and a man with out decency or a sense of self. a shell of a man.

This is what dani emailed me when I asked her what she would say at my funeral, I don't know why she emailed me because we live together....... I don't know what happened, it turned out to be more actions then words...

when you die? oh, Well I will probably say something like erin pooped more than anyone I know, well not including my poop master bf, hahahaha, and she was in love with a man called bubbles and wanted to have his kids. I would have a surgeon take eggs out of you so that you and bubbles could still produce little baby bubbles through miracles of science in the future.
and i would make sure you would be burried in a long sleeved shirt to cover the black square so your parents wouldn't get mad at you in your afterlife.
but you seem a little better now so hopefully none of this will happen, hahahhaa
bye fuck tart.

oh dani, you are amazing

ignore the thing about the poop.....I'm pretty sure thats not true

I remember when you asked me to cut your hair. It was shaggy, long, dirty blond and hung gently around your ears. I nervously sat you down on the metal rusted chair in my fenced in side yard. I ran my fingers through your hair, thinking of the cut strands falling on your bare chest, sticking to your shoulders in the hot summer heat. I held your hair up tightly with my fingers, cutting sporadically but tactfully, mixing the layers in, letting your hair flow naturally. I walked to the front of you, holding your face to see if I had missed anything, trying hard not to look in your eyes. You got up, looked at me and said thank you, embarrassed. You went to take a shower, rinsing off the hair stuck all around your body, leaving your jeans crumpled on the floor, covered in your golden strands. The dim light of the setting sun filled the room as you walked in to unveil the look that I had given you. You smiled. And thanked me again.

I havent done one of these in forever, and now I know why

Erin Michelle Lehman's Aliases

Your movie star name: Fruit Hank Your fashion designer name is Erin Paris Your socialite name is Airbear Grand Rapids Your fly girl / guy name is E Leh Your detective name is Cat Shelby Your barfly name is Cookie Wine Your soap opera name is Michelle Lesada Your rock star name is Sour Patch Kids Bird Your Star Wars name is Erihar Lehjul Your punk rock band name is The Honkey Starfruit

so these are some facts about me that i wrote in an entry more then a year ago-

facts!!
-i have a lesbotronic crush on shannyn sossamon
-pineapple could be the best fruit ever
-drawing stupid pictures = therapeutic
-i dont hold back even when i should
-i am terribly messy, but its strangely comforting to me
-enid from ghost world is my hero
-i think steve buscemi is hot, i dont care if you think its gross/weird
-i admire people who are sexually open
-i love to debate
-i can read a book a day
-math is my worst enemy
-i like it when guys dress like old men
-i get weirded out if i have one hairstyle/haircolor for too long

when i read these i noticed a lot of things had changed, so i decided to change some of them

FACTS!! REVISED!!

-I still have a crush on shannyn, but I think I like audrey hepburn more
-pineapple IS still the best fruit ever
-still love drawing stupid pictures, some, not so stupid
-I have more control over my impulses and emotions now more then ever
-I am still a little bit messy, but for the most part, that has changed. Now I have a pug that will rub her face all over everything I might leave on the floor, so I am forced to be more organized. Thank you mandy, you are the most disgusting dog I have ever seen, and my hero.
-still love enid and her raptor shirt
-I still find steve buscemi attractive
-its better to be sexually open then to be scared of your sexuality
-I love to debate, i just dont like to argue
-I can read a book a day, i just havent in a while
-math still hates me
-I think i am more attracted to guys with good shoes, hats and glasses
-I have been growing my hair for at least a year from a pixie and its getting to where i want it to be, so i guess i pretty much broke my new-haircut-a-week habit

1 my friends
2 my family
3 my amazing grandparents
4 love
5 modesty
6 those rare feelings of feeling completely fulfilled
7 the upcoming election
8 small pleasures
9 art
10 being healthy

next month is well...
its a month
my birthday, and a forgotten celebration, two of them actually its weird how things die, events are celebrated and then, there not. they're just gone. just a memory.

i saw grindhouse yesterday, it was amazing. and hilarious. i loved it. the only bad part about it was that i kept having to leave during the second movie because i was having a panic attack. it was horrible. during the worst ones i get paralyzed, my hands freeze into one position and so do my legs and face. during this one even my neck and my stomach muscles started to clench and i almost fell trying to get out of the movie theatre because i couldnt move. this is my life, and having to deal with this is hard, but its something you because accustomed to. which is sad. but i cant complain. there are worse things i could have. its just embarrassing. especially when there are people around you that dont understand whats happening to you that are telling you that you are ok. the thing is is that when its happening, i know im ok. im just stuck, something else is taking over and you are no longer in control of whats happening to your body. its just the scariest feeling in the world, and if you have ever experienced one, then you know what im talking about. my heart pounds and hurts like hell. with every beat it feels like someone is stabbing me in the arm and in the heart. like a heart attack, but you have to try and convince yourself that its not one because well, its not. but it sure as fuck feels like one. i also get numb and cold. its the panic response, the one that paralyzes my limbs and sends all of the blood to my vital organs. this is why i become paralyzed, my body is trying to save my most important parts, my limbs arent important to it anymore when it thinks im in danger of god knows what. but anyway, this terror that i feel keeps me on constant alert of my health. i am constantly on webmd looking up symptoms and diseases just to make sure. i get picked on for it, and its not a good feeling. of course others would understand if they went through what i go through, which i would never want them too. but its a very real thing. and my panic attacks make me depressed. its a cycle. a horrible cycle. and since i had a panic attack, well that means i have to go back to the doctor and try something else, which starts a whole new fun experience of horrible side effects. lovely.

-i have a lesbotronic crush on shannyn sossamon
-pineapple could be the best fruit ever
-drawing stupid pictures = therapeutic
-i dont hold back even when i should
-i am terribly messy, but its strangely comforting to me
-enid from ghost world is my hero
-i think steve buscemi is hot, i dont care if you think its gross/weird
-i admire people who are sexually open
-i love to debate
-i can read a book a day
-math is my worst enemy
-i like it when guys dress like old men
-i get weirded out if i have one hairstyle/haircolor for too long